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I finally got around to reading a book that’s been on my TBR for years: Patricia Wants to Cuddle. This is a campy horror comedy about a season of what’s essentially The Bachelor that takes place on a remote Pacific Northwest island, where they begin to see a shadowy humanoid figure in the woods.
It took me a while to get into this book, but I stuck with it because of the fun premise. We get a lot of point of view characters, including the final four contestants of The Catch and their wrangler, plus letters from a lesbian couple years ago who are trying to escape their homophobic small town together. Aside from those letters, all of the women hate each other and are acting catty. One is the wrangler who loves this stupid show but judges all the contestants, one is a born again Christian trying to use her platform to spread the good word, one is genuinely trying to get the guy—while also being the villain of the season, one is an influencer trying to increase her follower count, and one—Renee—is trying to be first Black woman in the finale.
All of the point of view characters judge the others. One is constantly picking fights, especially with the goodie two shoes religious contestant. They all think their reason for being here is legitimate and the rest are shallow. This makes sense for the premise, but I found it tiring to read about a bunch of women all hating each other. Luckily, that’s only the first part of the story.
If there’s one main character, it’s Renee. Renee is queer and has no interest in the guy they’re supposed to be competing for. She was nominated by coworkers and is just going along with it, the same way she feels like she’s sleepwalking through the rest of her life. The longer she stays on the show, the more unbearable it becomes, but she’s sticking it our for the free trip she gets when they get to the final two—a trip she knows she’ll go on, because the producers have already let slip that they want her in the finale because they want the “first” of having a Black women in the final two, even though they know the Catch will not choose her in the end.
As strange things begin happening on the island—and a contestant disappears—Renee begins to imagine a new life for herself, one where she feels truly alive.
I’m glad I pushed through the beginning of this book, because the ending is campy queer horror with a fun twist: a lesbian bigfoot cult! That I was not expecting. If you like satirical horror, I definitely recommend this one: it’s weird and has lots of lesbians. What more could you want?
Content warnings for gore, religious homophobia, and racism.