A year after her sister, Adeline, dies under mysterious circumstances, a ragtag group of teenage girls descend upon Roslyn Volk’s small Midwestern town and make her an offer that she can’t refuse in Alexis Henderson’s When I Was Death.
The girls (Naomi, Skye, Riley, Iona, Chloe, and the enigmatic Shiloh, who catches Roslyn’s eye from the moment they meet) reveal that Adeline had spent some of her final months traveling with them and, when they invite Roslyn to join them on the road as well, she can’t resist the opportunity to get closer to her sister and see her through their eyes. When she starts traveling with the girls, however, Roslyn learns the horrible truth: they were all spared from untimely deaths and, in return, they do Death incarnate’s bidding. They’re killers, and Adeline used to be one of them. Worse still, the girls want Roslyn to join them on a cross-country road trip to find out if she has what it takes to reap souls in her sister’s place. In exchange for answers about what happened to Adeline, Roslyn must decide if she is willing to sacrifice the life she knows, her family, and even her humanity.
There were a lot of things that I liked about this book. For one, the writing is gorgeous. Descriptions are vivid, the prose is elegant, and the plot was so compelling that I found myself staying up late into the night to read just “one more” chapter, almost as desperate for answers as Roslyn was. I’ve read and loved Henderson’s House of Hunger, so going into this one there was no doubt in my mind that her writing would be anything less than phenomenal. Truly, it’s a good book… but, it pains me to admit, it wasn’t a good book for me—at least in this phase of my life. More on that later.
Another aspect of the book that I enjoyed was the characterization of each of the girls, and especially the characterization of Death as a being with whom one could bargain with. For the most part, each character’s role is clearly defined in the story. However, with there being such a large cast of central characters, it was easy for some of them to fade into the background. Chloe and Iona, for example, seemed to me so inconsequential that I needed to review my notes just to remember their names. I didn’t mind this, though, because the group felt like a singular entity, a singular character. When one girl made a decision, the others would all reach the same conclusion. What one girl felt, they all did. However, it is ultimately the emotions the girls experience and that Henderson inspires in the reader that made this book not work for me.
From the start, I knew that the book would deal heavily with themes of grief and loss. What I was not prepared for, however, was the introduction of even darker topics after the story’s halfway point. I would urge every potential reader to be aware that the following content is present in graphic detail on-page: suicide/suicide attempts, untreated mental illness, death of a major character who is a child, a car accident resulting in extensive injuries, toxic relationships/dynamics, and cyber stalking. Had I been made aware of these themes, I may not have chosen to pick the book up at all. There are a lot of troubling things happening in the world right now and, at this point, it only seems to be getting worse. While I do find value in books that dwell on miserable circumstances to provide clarity on certain issues, I don’t enjoy a book that is unrelentingly depressing. If I wanted a tragedy, I would just watch the news. Vague spoilers: I also will never enjoy an ending as bleak as the one that can be found in When I Was Death‘s final chapters.
My last complaint about the book, without spoiling the ending for those who choose to read it, is that the girls’ work for Death is never clearly explained. At first, it seemed as though they might be necessary to ferry souls to the afterlife, but no afterlife was ever mentioned. Then I thought that they may be needed to console the dying, but this wasn’t the case, either. Nor are they meant to choose who dies: Death makes his decision and entrusts the girls to carry out his will. The word that is used most often to describe what they do is “killing”, but the people they “kill” largely seem to be dying already. Are readers meant to believe that, in this world, people would not die if nobody administered the touch of Death? Could it be that there are millions, maybe even billions, of people carrying out Death’s commands every day? I think that this is the most interesting aspect of the book, so it definitely could have benefitted from further elaboration.
I can recognize that these grievances may be exclusive to myself, and that many readers will not agree. I encourage them to read this book for themselves and come to their own conclusions. I would actually highly recommend this one for fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle and Tanya Byrne’s Afterlove, both of which I had similar issues with. Personally, however, I think a story that requires its readers to suspend their disbelief this much and then crush their hopes so thoroughly is not worth it.
In these unsettling times, I want to read books that fill my mind with knowledge and my heart with hope. Much to my disappointment, When I Was Death does neither. Don’t get me wrong, though: I am eagerly awaiting Henderson’s next release. I have been chasing the high of reading House of Hunger ever since I finished it, and I have faith that the succeeding book will be exactly what I need.
Content warnings: Suicide/suicide attempts, untreated mental illness, death of a major character who is a child, a car accident resulting in extensive injuries, toxic relationships/dynamics, grief, and cyber stalking
Hi! My name is Kit and I love sapphic stories. You can find me at @ShelfConscious.Library on Instagram.
