Whatever you think you’re getting into with this one…think again.
Patricia Wants to Cuddle is a queer comedy/horror novel told from multiple POVs, including contestants after the star of a dating show called The Catch, the producer of said dating show, the host of a remote bed & breakfast, and a series of blog posts. It starts with a gruesome description of a mangled sheep at the B&B’s doorstep and quickly descends into the contestants’ chaotic infatuation with “Glamstapix,” this novel’s version of Instagram.
Of the contestants left on the show, we have self-obsessed-influencer-with-lesbian-moms Amanda, evangelizing Texas pageant queen Lilah Mae, model and bully Vanessa, and quiet, closeted Renee. I guess we also have the “The Catch,” who is so unremarkable I actually don’t even have it in me to figure out what his name was. It started with a J, which is all you need to know, really.
At the start, the contestants are on a ferry headed to Otters Island, a remote island in the PNW. The reader quickly learns that the island is not only unglamorous but was actually in the news in the 90’s: three women disappeared while hiking its picturesque mountains. Then, the sister of one of them sets out to find them. Thus starts the mystery part of the novel that follows the contestants through petty arguments and bad TV.
Each of the characters’ voices are stark and so, so funny. They all fall into their prescribed tropes—airheaded, fake, mean, and man-hating. None of them are likeable, which is a big part of the appeal. There are no flat characters besides “the catch,” who is just a means to an end that I can appreciate.
What I loved: the characters’ insistence that each of them deserves whatever they stand to gain at the end—more followers, influence, money, and fame. Not love, never love. I also appreciated how fast-paced this was and how we spent the right amount of time with each character’s narration. I loved how the cover tells you exactly what you’re going to encounter but never tells you when until you’re wrapped up in it.
Minor spoilers:
What I wished for: more of the mystery, more of the lesbian yearning love letters, more of Maggie, more of Patricia! I think the ending, while justified and funny, deserved more attention that it didn’t get leading up to it. We saw too much reality TV and not enough reality in Patricia’s world.
Bring on the lesbian death cults! Bring on the survival of the literal only Black character rather than their usual unjustified death! Bring on the metaphors of lesbians being everything a straight, cis man fears!
(End of spoilers.)
I would recommend this book to people who love to hate reality shows, men, and trad wife culture. I would not recommend this to people who are looking for the satisfying lesbian yearning present in media like Carol or even Yellowjackets. But it’s fun! Enjoy it!
Content warnings: body horror, death, homophobia, racism
Lexi McDonald (she/her) is a lesbian writer, teacher, and bookseller living in Pittsburgh, PA. She holds an MFA in Poetry from the University of Tennessee and spends what free time she has reading and writing anything that could come close to the feelings that Portrait of a Lady on Fire evoke in her. You can find her on Instagram and Storygraph @LexiM09.
